Bittersweet
Bittersweet. I realize I’ve been sounding a bit sour lately. But that’s because this blank platform makes it so easy to shout into the universe, in the strangest of “safe” ways, allowing me to just be honest and open without fear of hurting anyone’s feelings. By anyone, I mean my dad.
I’d never openly admit to him the frequency with how truly impossible some days feel. I’d never reveal when I’m emotionally exhausted. He has enough to worry about. I know it’s “ok” to tell him, but, seriously, why would I? There is nothing to be gained by doing so. He knows this is hard. I don’t need to reveal to him how hard to make him feel worse than he already does.
I don’t want him to think he is a burden, which, yes, it does feel like sometimes. Mostly, it is all blessings and joy despite all the angst I reveal here. I am ever so grateful that I have this opportunity to help lead him into the next life, should there be one, which he believes but I’m still on the fence.
I am ever so grateful that I continue to discover who my father was beyond the parent-child relationship. The man that raised me, and this man, are not quite the same. The multitude of memories he shares are more often than not, things I never have heard before. Everything he saw/did before I was born, has been an absolute revelation. He did not tell me these things when I was growing up. Without being his caregiver, I may never have heard all the experiences he had tucked away.
It’s bitter. It’s sweet. It’s bittersweet.
And on that note, #TBT to one of the many times dad taught me how to dance in the living room while the player piano played on. He used to have me stand on his toes while he’d waltz then we graduated to me moving on my own. He misses dancing. I’ve tried to convince him he can dance in the wheelchair, but he says its just not the same.
He’s right.
Caregiving Tools
One of the fun parts of caregiving has been going through a ton of old photos and letters that my great grandmother, grandmother and then my mother tucked away.
Document and Photo Scanner: I’ve used a few scanners over the years and the Epson FastFoto FF-680W one has been a life saver. Super easy to use, and fast. I use it to scan documents and photos, front and back. Worth every penny.
